I'm the Bad Guy: An HIC Story
by Yours The Author
Summary: Dave Strider and Rose Lalonde have defeated Her Imperious Condescension's government lackies, and must face the Empress herself to save the Earth. However, the Condesce, being the evil and fabulous ruler that she is, plans to defeat these two rebels... with a monologue.


So… I decided to reupload this since someone (I won't say who) had a problem with it (I won't say what). I didn't want to have to do this, but I pushed through and the results, surprisingly, aren't too shabby. I hope you like it, too. The song this fic is based on is "I'm the Bad Guy", from "Wander Over Yonder", both of which I don't own. See you at the bottom of the page.

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I'm t)(e Bad Guy

By: Yours The Author

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Dave and Rose stood at the top of what had once been the White House. Her Imperious Condescension was waiting for them, 2x3 trident at the ready. She smiled coldly at the two rebels, gold bling shining in the evening light and her obscenely long and fluffy hair drifting in the wind.

"Condesce, this is the end of the line," Rose began. Her voice was firm, though Dave knew how afraid she was. "We've defeated Guy Fieri and the ICP presidents. Leave this planet now, or face the consequences."

The Condesce seemed to ponder this for a moment… then burst out laughing. "Yo, me surrender to you? )(A)(A, no way! Ya'll acting like you don't know w)(o I am. Let me remind ya'll… t)(at I ain't some frig)(tened fis)( princess or a feat)(er beast wh)( can't fly. I'm t)(e bad gill!" Dave and Rose drew their weapons and pointed them at her.

"Ya know, ya'll ain't t)(e first to rebel against me." The Condesce yawned as she blocked Dave's sword blow. "T)(ere've been a lot of former rebels… and eac)( of t)(em )(ave ended by kneeling before me. W)(at does t)(at make me?" She paused, seemingly expecting the humans to fill in the blank. Rose aimed her needles at the Batterwitch and blasted magic in her direction. The Condesce easily dodged. "T)( bad gill. Cod, I )(ave to do every)(ing myself )(ere…"

Dave and Rose ran at the Condesce from opposite sides, preparing a team attack. The Condesce seemed unfazed by this. "Ya know, it's a lotta fun to watc)( a lowblood like you )(umans turn into grub sauce and die. It's just… so FUN to be the villain, ya know? I destroy peoples )(omes, and watc)( t)(em cry… 'Cause, you know, I'm t)(e bad gill, and all t)(at."

Rose brought her needles down at the Condesce, but she leapt away at the last second. Rose and Dave ducked behind a broken piece of roof.

"Sheesh, I hate it when she monologues," Dave muttered.

"Indeed," said Rose. "I can't help but feel that she's toying with us, making all of our preparation feel like nothing."

"Man, that's evil."

"Also correct."

The Condesce appeared over their hiding spot and brought her trident down, breaking a new hole in the roof where the humans had been moments before.

"I mean, it's just fin-tastic to cull a low blood w)(en I sea t)(em. Ya know w)(y? I've always )(ad a special place in my cardiovascular system for bleakness and stuff like t)(at. Crus)(ing t)(eir )(opes and watc)(ing t)(em cry some more…"

Rose tried to dodge the next attack, but tripped over a raised piece of the roof. The Condesce used her Psionic powers to grab her by the ankle and hoist her into the air. "Ya sea, I find t)(is just so FUN!"

Dave reached for Rose, but the Condesce again used her powers to lift him up next to his companion. "I don't )(ave time for your resistance and accusations, t)(ough. Once ya'll are outta t)(e way, I'll cull t)(e )(umans from t)(e Eart)(. W)(Y?"

The two humans glared at her.

"C'mon, GU-ESS!"

"'Cause you're the bad guy," they said through gritted teeth.

"Or, well, gill." The Condesce roared with laughter and slammed Rose and Dave on to the roof, head first.

The End

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So, like I said, not too bad. The original was a little more fun… This kind of just feels like a big monologue without a lot of action, but that's just how it works sometimes.

Anyway, there's a poll on my profile right now, and I'd really appreciate you taking a look. Just saying.

Also, I've picked the candy path for the Homestuck Epilogues and I'm just like… aaaaahhhh, you know?

Anyway, what did you think? Leave a review, tell me what you thought, and I'll see you later, hopefully. Until then!


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